“This is just a phase”. What should we know about asexuality?

Every year on April 6th, we celebrate International Asexuality Day to support asexual people and to raise awareness about asexuality as a vital part of one`s sexual orientation. Asexual Visibility Day is celebrated on May 8th. Unfortunately, due to limited awareness about asexuality, phrases like “It will pass” and “You just didn`t have the right partner yet” are still popular in our society. How to discuss this topic appropriately? What is the asexual experience, and how can you understand whether it is relevant for you?

Asexuality is a term or self-identification of people who don`t have little to no sexual attraction, and little to no desire to engage in sexual relationships. According to research results, around 1% of people who were surveyed identify themselves as asexual; among them, there are more women than men. Psychologists assume that this is linked to society`s expectations that men will be more sexually active; therefore, because of fear of judgment and misunderstanding, men don`t accept their sexuality. In the media, asexuality is usually displayed as the “invisible orientation” because experiencing sexual desire and relationships is considered “normal behavior “ in society.

 Asexuals are a part of the LGBTQ+ community just as all the other orientations are. Judging from statements from asexuals themselves, asexuality is rather a spectrum than a category.

Asexuals can be heterosexual, homosexual, identify as bisexual, or have any other sexual orientation and be a part of the queer community. There are a lot of discussions about whether or not to count asexuals as a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but asexuals still remain more “invisible” among other sexualities. Moreover, asexuality can be perceived as the absence of sexual desire at all; the question of asexuals belonging to the community is still open. But, in terms of sexual orientations in the LGBTQ+ community, asexuals still belong there.

What is the “right orientation”?

It is important to mention that there is no “right way” to be asexual, and opinions about sex can vary. Here is how participants of British research on asexuality describe their feelings:

“I am just not interested in sex. I don`t feel disgusted by it… This is just not that emotional connection, it is appealing to be for other people”.

“I am not interested in sex. There is no disgust or distress… I just don`t notice it.”

“I identify as an asexual because I feel no desire to engage in sex. Frankly, sex isn`t essential in my life, and I could live without it. There are other things I would like to do. I am attracted to both men and women, but this attraction is rather intellectual or emotional.”

“I think sex is really disgusting. Honestly, I think I would vomit if I ever had sex.”

Additionally, inside the asexual spectrum, different experiences and their terms exist. For example, greysexuals – people who experience very little sexual desire or experience it only in certain atmospheres. Or demisexuals, who experience sexual desire only after developing a strong emotional bond with a person. And there are aromantic asexuals who don`t feel sexual or romantic desire. Numerous microterms exist under the asexuality umbrella, and it is important to mention that we should separate the idea of romantic and sexual desire. That is why hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, aro- asexuals exist: because romantic feelings and desires of each person do not necessarily match the sexual ones. 

“It is all because of low libido.”

Asexuality is not the same as low libido or temporary absence of interest in sex. Physically, asexuals can be completely healthy, and their libido can vary because of stress or exhaustion, just like other people. Medical reasons (e.g., hormonal dysfunction and medication side effects) can also affect it. In such cases, it`s a state that can be changed or healed. Usually, it has a defined start.

Asexuality is a stable absence or low expression of sexual desire and isn`t dependent on external factors.

Questions about how traumatic experiences that can affect sexual desire are complex and ongoing. Traumas can “cause” asexuality, but this experience is the same for all, and the link between the two is not proven.

“They can`t love”: How myths affect discussions about asexuality.

The experience of asexual people is often surrounded by a lot of myths and stereotypes. People can perceive them as “inferior” or as incapable of love. But asexuals are capable of love and sweet, intimate relationships just as others. Listen to how a participant, an aromantic asexual woman, of an art-project Spectrum Voices talks about love: ”I love my cat, friends, family. This love is different, but it is equally important.”

“Someone said, ‘It will pass’ or ‘Your desire to have sex will come with the right person, but years passed, and I had relationships, but my asexuality stayed. I am a proud asexual,” Another participant said.

Some asexual people can fantasize about sex and relationships, as one participant said: “I don`t feel a strong desire for these fantasies to come true”.

Also, asexuals can have healthy, happy, and comfortable relationships that are built on trust, shared interests, and emotional connection. These people can experience romantic feelings, and they are not necessarily linked to sex.

Asexuality does not determine one`s ability to love, be friends, or create deep connections with others.

Are you asexual?

Online communities played a huge role in understanding and accepting oneself for a lot of asexuals. Reddit, Facebook, AVEN (the biggest asexual community), or even local projects such as Spectrum Voices. If you are wondering whether you are asexual, ask yourself a couple of questions. Do you feel a sexual connection, and if yes, under what circumstances? Think about what types of intimacy (emotional, physical, romantic) are the most enjoyable for you. What is important to you in relationships? Do you feel pressured to have sex by society? Asexuality isn`t a diagnosis, so there are no “tests” that would suit everybody. Only you can answer who you truly are.

I might be an asexual! What now?

In asexual communities, people often talk about the journey of accepting oneself. It is unique and looks different for everybody. For example, someone might notice they aren’t interested in discussions about sex and don’t understand why this topic is so important to others. Someone else might wait for years for the “right person” to appear. Often, asexuals go through doubts and therapy before they understand that asexuality is a normal part of their experience. Let’s hear some more perspectives from Kerigan’s research:

“I thought I was like others, and then I overheard my classmates talking about sex. Then I realized I was different, and for a while I thought I was less mature than they were. Even though in everything else, they appeared less mature than I.  I even assumed that there was something wrong with me, even though I was pretty “healthy” in everything but sex. When this participant accidentally found the definition of asexuality online, she immediately understood that “This is me and I am not alone”.

Another participant described how, after years of therapy, hormone treatment, and ruined relationships, she finally decided to stop: “I continued therapy and wondered why I am ‘broken’. ‘ Half a year passed before I realized I was asexual, and this understanding became one of the most freeing experiences in my life. I feel good about this fact. I feel relieved. Everything was finally in place. I am happy to no longer spend countless hours feeling anxiety about why I am “wrong”. I am happy and proud of my asexuality”.

Being close to an asexual

Everybody’s opinion about sex is different. In relationships, it is important to accept personal boundaries and the needs of the partner, even if it does not include sex. And, of course, you have to talk about feelings, search for intimacy types suitable for both. Asexual Visibility and Education Network shares the following advice for partners of asexuals:

  • You can talk about your differences and understand the needs and boundaries of one another, but you can’t magically change yours or your partner’s sexual orientation. To support such relationships, you have to find a certain compromise. Sometimes, it is impossible to reach a sustainable compromise, regardless of your efforts.
  • Sometimes people stay in such relationships and deal with constant feelings of disappointment for the sake of love and devotion. In other cases, relationships must end. So, do what’s best for your situation.
  • Loved ones should not insist that asexuality is just a period and the person will change their mind or find someone, or “regain” desire to have sex. It’s worth giving space and allowing them to be themselves. Your main priority is always to listen and to make it clear that you will always be there to support.
  • Don’t pressure them to try things they don’t want to try. Respect their private life, and advocate for asexuality awareness to make the world more tolerant of them.
  • It may seem from the outside that when you are on the asexuality spectrum,  it makes life difficult. But in reality, you will have to think more carefully about what you will need from people and relationships with them. Listen more to your desires and needs, and do not follow the paths society has prepared for you.

Author: Aliona Timkova

 

Sources:

  1. Bogaert A. F. Chapter One: Introduction. Understanding Asexuality. 2012. P. 1–10. URL: https://doi.org/10.5771/9781442201019-1 (date of access: 19.03.2026).
  2. Carrigan M. There’s more to life than sex? Difference and commonality within the asexual community. Sexualities. 2011. Vol. 14, no. 4. P. 462–478. URL: https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460711406462 (date of access: 18.03.2026).
  3. Cognitive processing of sexual cues in asexual individuals and heterosexual women with desire/arousal difficulties / N. B. Brown et al. PLOS ONE. 2021. Vol. 16, no. 5. P. e0251074. URL: https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0251074 (date of access: 18.03.2026).
  4. Parent M. C., Ferriter K. P. The Co-Occurrence of Asexuality and Self-Reported Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Diagnosis and Sexual Trauma Within the Past 12 Months Among U.S. College Students. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 2018. Vol. 47, no. 4. P. 1277–1282. URL: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-018-1171-1 (date of access: 19.03.2026).
  5. r/asexuality [Електронний ресурс] // Reddit. — Режим доступу: https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/. — Дата звернення: 20.03.2026.
  6. Spectrum Voices [Електронний ресурс]. – Режим доступу: https://spectrumvoices.carrd.co/. 

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) [Електронний ресурс]. — Режим доступу: https://www.asexuality.org/.